Twin Flame Separation

Introduction

Chances are that you’ve heard of the twin flame journey, which is likely why you are here.  You’ll find that my entire blog is actually about the various aspects of the twin flame journey.  Specifically it is about my journey on this path.  There are things you might read about my story that you may not agree with.  Hell, there are probably things I write now that I might not agree with later on down the road.  There may even be things that I will write that I might regret writing later.  It’s all part of the process though so none of it can truly be wrong no matter how dark it gets.  Even the darkest parts of us are worth discovering on this path.  This is my way of not fearing it and just sort of embracing it fully while also taking responsibility for the fact that it happened.

I will be referring to the story I am about to tell you all often throughout the future articles of this blog as a way to point out all of the ways in which I may have handled certain things differently, but largely I feel that my twin flame union was destroyed due to a lack of communication.  It still has been taken to a very dark place for the same reason.  Silence can say a whole lot while saying absolutely nothing and I hope you all can see this as I write about how my twin and I killed what was supposed to be a divine union.  I might cover how it began at a future date.  It just really isn’t what this about right now.  The main purpose of this blog is to help both you and I learn about what it means to “do the work”.

Before The Storm

There is always a calm before the storm, isn’t there?  It’s an eerie calm that can be felt.  It’s that stillness in the air.  The knowledge that things aren’t quite right, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is.  The relationship to my twin flame in these moments leading up to the actual blow out felt like this to me.

We were a fairly normal couple, I think.  There was a 17 year age gap between us, which was really the only thing that stood out as being different.  The rest of it was fairly common.  We both worked.  I worked daylight and he worked second shift.  We didn’t really see each other during the week.  I felt it was healthy because while we are twins, we don’t share EVERYTHING in common.  I used that time to do things that he didn’t enjoy doing.  He didn’t really like some of the things I liked to watch on television.  So, I’d come home and make something to eat.  I would text him to see if there was something specific he was hungry for, “No.  I can’t really think of anything I’m hungry for, he’d say.  Then, I’d respond with “Ok.  I’ll figure something out.”

I’d let our ferret out of his cage not knowing whether he had taken him out of the cage for a while before he went to work or not.  The ferret would jump around and make his little happy noises.  I’d run into the kitchen with the ferret following closely behind me.  Then, I’d turn around and chase him into the living room.  All while he was bouncing around making these cute little noises.  Then, I’d run back into the kitchen.  I’d get his water bowl off of the counter and rinse it out before re-filling it for him.  I’d put it on the floor for him.  He’d sniff at it a few times before running over to his toys and spilling the box all over the floor.  The plastic little balls in his ball pit would roll all across the floor while he happily chased them.  I went to the sink and started washing dishes from the day before.  My twin and I work so many hours that we don’t have much time to keep up with the dishes as we dirty them.

Then, I’d look in the fridge to see if there was anything that had expired that needed to go into the garbage while I was looking for something to cook for dinner.  I’d put some music on while I cooked our meal.  I played with the ferret in the kitchen while it cooked or watch YouTube videos or Netflix.  I’d take a plate out of the cupboard.  I’d put some on my plate and make a cup of coffee.  I would take it into the living room, turn on the television while eating my dinner while our ferret was running around my feet.  Sounds like a pretty normal life so far, right?  Just wait, it gets better.

Then, I’d take my plate to the sink after I was finished.  I’d put the leftovers into containers and arrange them in the fridge.  My twin might text me to tell me he missed me.  Other times a machine would break that he’d have to fix and he’d vent to me about the challenges of fixing it.  I’d read about his difficulties and tell him I hoped it got better.  I’d put the dishes from the dish rack away.  I might wash more dishes if they all wouldn’t fit in the dish rack.  Then, I’d gather up beer bottles from the bedroom and garage from whatever bender my twin had the night before.  Some nights there weren’t any bottles around and others there were a ton.  I pour out the half drank beer from the garage before tossing it out.  Then, I’d gather up any other garbage that might be lying around before bagging it up and taking it out to the can.  

I’d head up the stairs to get a shower and start getting ready for bed.  I had to make sure that was all finished before 7 pm because that is when he’d call me for the day.  It was his dinner break.  I also knew that if I didn’t answer that there would be hell to pay later.  He’d accuse me of cheating again.  He’d make up something as a possible reason for why I didn’t answer, but refuse to believe the truth.  It might be something stupid like my phone died or I left it on the couch while I was in the garage having a cigarette.  I’ve learned by this point not to do any of those things because if I did, then I would spend an hour or two listening to how inconsiderate I was over the weekend.  I didn’t want to spend time arguing with him because we didn’t get much time to spend together in the first place.  God forbid I tell him how uncomfortable I felt with having to remember to do all this stuff because then I would be accused of “playing the victim” or some other such nonsense.  I just wasn’t used to paying this much attention to my day to day actions before.  Of course it had been years since I lived with anyone either.  It had been 8 years since I had lived with my ex-husband.  I couldn’t really remember having to deal with this while I was with my ex-husband, but there were a lot of things from 8 years ago that I don’t remember.

My twin would call and tell me about his day.  We'd talk about the things he wanted to do over the weekend when we did have time to spend together.  I got excited because I missed him so much when he wasn't here.  I hated going to bed without him, although, it was kind of nice to be able to sleep in any position I wanted to.  I missed the feeling of him lying next to me.  I missed the safety that came with it.  I missed talking to him and joking around about things that people in our lives do.  Once he had to go back to work, then I’d have to go find our ferret.  I'd give him a hug and put him back inside his cage for the night before heading up the stairs to bed.

This was my life and I really enjoyed it.  I loved the safety of knowing that every one of my days would go this way.  I loved how considerate my twin is.  I loved how he'd anticipate the things I might need before I even knew I would need it myself.  I wished I could be more like that because I felt like he deserved to have someone who was more like that.  I loved how he'd come home every single night without fail.  He'd climb into bed next to me late at night and I loved snuggling up against him even though I was half asleep while I did it.  I felt a love that I had never known before in his arms.  He accepted everything I did even if it annoyed him and I loved this man for it.  I felt proud to call him mine.  I loved looking at him smile at me in such an intimate way that I knew in my heart he had never looked at anyone else before me.

He has the innocence of a child sometimes the way he'd get excited about certain things.  His whole face would light up when he'd talk about cars.  I didn't understand a damned thing about what he was saying, but my heart melted as I watched him say it.  We'd pass a car on the road on our way to the grocery store and he'd tell me what kind of motor it had whether it was a twin turbo or not (whatever that means).  He saw a super car once (did you even know this was a thing?).  He was out doing laundry at the laundromat while I was at work one weekend and he saw a super car while he was there.  I came home from work one night when he told me this story and he was literally bouncing in the kitchen while he was telling me.  He was adorable.  I find it difficult now to understand exactly how a man so amazing could become so viscous.  This wasn't a case where he was only amazing in the beginning or only amazing for a few months.  No, this man was completely amazing for a year and a half.  He was everything I had ever wanted and everything I never thought to ask for all wrapped up into one.  He was the absolute love of my life and I could not wait to marry him.  I would spend time looking at him without saying a word just being thankful that he was my person.  All of the years of heartbreak had been worth it because it led me to him.